Dead White Capitalist Wednesday

Good morning. I’m tickled you could make it to this morning’s meeting. Do enjoy the spot fires down here in hell – we have a surplus of them. And help yourself to the smoked bacon.

First thing on our agenda today, is to congratulate the President on his very efficient drone war on Pakistan. Well done sir, it all looks terribly impressive on a cost benefit analysis, the civilian lives barely make a blip on the cost side, sir! Particularly if all the chappies old enough to be considered ‘combatants’ are put in the benefits side! Capital idea! (pardon the pun, sir). You’ve even made the lefties think about voting Republican, and you can’t say much more for you than that, sir!

A second congratulations is in order to the French government and vigilante groups who are fighting the good fight for private land ownership, kicking the Roma out of the hovels they call ‘communities’. Good show! That ought to give them an incentive to work slavishly to afford rental prices, and jump onto this glorious hamster wheel of consumption that we hold dear.  In those camps they can’t be contributing nearly enough to making the crap we want to sell them, and they certainly can’t be creating enough pollution for us to justify using Garrett Hardin’s method of dealing with the poor. Incentivise!

Finally we must discuss the global pork shortage – a matter close to my stomach. It seems the Chinese government is interfering in market mechanisms by keeping a pork reserve in freezers around the country. Honestly, how am I, a rational self-interested actor meant to get an obscenely high price for my pork in times of scarcity when governments insist on these sorts of silly porcine measures? It’s no good for my food futures portfolio either! And how else is a modest man like me meant to make riches from the hunger of millions, eh? I ask you!

That’s all for today’s meeting. You should be alright going out the back way, the three-headed dog  is trained only to attack socialists, lefties and commies.